Ever think about the fact that NASCAR drivers only make left turns? No? Me either, but if you think about it, there is a wall on the right side. Duh.
Well, the cars could go clockwise instead...
Because drivers sit on the left side of the car, they have a better view of the road ahead when going counterclockwise.
I researched this. Trust me.
Why? Well, there could be all kinds of metaphors about the road ahead and smooth sailing and mushy stuff like that. However, this is not a flowery post. It is a warning.
Here you go- you can thank me later.
Some people are actually waiting for you to make a sharp right turn. I'm serious. Call them haters, frenemies, heck, some might even be your friends or family. Whoever they are, that's their problem. If you've read my book, Love It Go, you know that giving up attachments to other people's reasoning is a good thing, or at least I think so. I'm not going to try to assess their motives or state of mind, and I'm sure as heck not going to try to talk them out of it. Let them create their own reality with their beliefs. We all do.
"Right," you're saying, nodding your head. "I'm going to prove them all wrong." Of course, the first person you want to "prove it to" in the back of your mind is your ex. Am I right? C'mon, admit it. I think that is probably a pretty common inclination at first. "I'm going to win the lottery, an Oscar AND the Nobel Peace Prize and then s/he'll be sorry..."
Sometimes our thoughts aren't even focused on the lofty heights we will attain, but on the sucky crap that we hope will befall our exes. "Won't it be awesome when I'm engaged to Fabio Jr, and my ex is on his third divorce? Won't it be funny when I get promoted and my ex gets fired?"
Do you know what that is? That is you hoping that your ex makes a sharp right turn.
Not a good place to put your energy. Wishing bad things to happen to your ex only focuses your attention on negativity. Don't waste your time there.
Nothing To Prove
As for wanting to prove something to the world (or the haters,) why? Well, probably because we're human.
After divorce we can feel less than, especially if it was nonconsensual. There is perhaps a feeling of being cast aside; we obviously got left behind for someone/something better. Not really, of course, but we think that. And thinking it enough makes it real.
The need to prove something is fueled by our attachment to that reality, by our allowing it to become a truth that we live out, ingrained in us as deeply as our first name or our birth date. 'Less than' becomes part of our identity.
When we live 'less than' every minor mistake we make, every shortcoming we see in the mirror becomes part of the story line about what we "did to deserve this." The need to prove something actually becomes rooted more in our own quiet desperation than it is a drive to attain any worthy goal. People who have never been on their own or who have some insecurity (totally normal) about their ability to "make it on their own," might have a more serious case of the proving something to the world mentality.
If you really have a goal, whether it be to win an Oscar, or start a business, or perfect your already delicious chocolate chip cookie recipe, it should powered by positive energy and be worked towards because it is the desire of your heart for your life. You want it because you have a passion for it and live and breathe the joy that it gives you. You deserve that.
The Burden of Proof
They don't call it the burden of proof for nothing. Do you really need another burden in your life, especially a self-imposed one? Especially one that only matters to some committee of judges that you've formed in your head?
The aha moment was knowing that nobody is waiting to give me a gold star for a good performance on anything. Especially X.
The even better aha came in knowing that if somebody is waiting around to give me a black mark, I don't have to take it. I don't have to take it! (And really, are we so important to that hater that they are really waiting anyway? I doubt it. You know how haters are.)
At any rate, their opinion is their reality, it isn't mine.
My answer for everything? Unconditional love. And sometimes the best recipient for all the love that I have is me myself. Unfortunately, that can be the hardest thing.
When we realize our own wholeness and release that filter of couple hood that we might still view ourselves through, a magical thing can happen. We start to view our circumstances as a product of our own creation and responsibility, something that we alone have power over. When we live in our worth, the need to prove anything falls away.
My hope is that you can love yourself so much so that you don't even remember that there are haters. You know who you are, and you love yourself unconditionally. Or maybe you haven't quite found your way yet, and you are exploring, supporting and loving yourself through that process in a positive way.
How about anything you do, you do for YOU, not because you feel a need to prove your worth to someone who might not even appreciate the beauty you are?
I'm not going to end with a corny, "You're in the driver's seat" finish. But, you totally are.