Total Eclipse of Your Core Essence
Once upon a time, I really believed love always wins. Before the actual divorce, when the marriage was still on again, off again, I thought the love in me was simply stronger than whatever X was feeling. Something seemed to work for awhile. Then I went through a divorce and thought that I was obviously wrong about something. There was a (thankfully short) time of darkness. Now I know love wins.
I should say that I went back to consciously knowing it.
The reality of a nonconsensual divorce necessitates that you essentially put your love impulses aside in order to survive. Your attorney takes over and it becomes about numbers- but how can you put a value on visiting (as yet unborn) grandchildren together or quantify the family you created or the future you have? It was shocking to me how many people viewed my life as simply a legal matter.
Part of the reason I am not a nonconsensual divorce fan is because I feel that planting this seed of division hurts more than just the couple involved. I believe that we are all connected and putting out this kind of disharmony ripples out to the universe. At the time, I was torn between wanting to help X achieve his longstanding goal of divorce and praying for unity. I flip flopped between anger and fear and compassion and loving kindness. I was a hot mess during those months. Ultimately, I felt that by embracing the division that was arising in my life, I was complicit in it, so I kept passionately protesting it.
We are all balls of unconditional love energy. Along the way, we toughen up and lose the connection to our heart, some to a greater degree than others. Here is a dumb illustration: the farther your car gets from the gas station, the more empty the tank. The farther from our core of love, the more negative our behavior.
What a tragedy to reject oneself in this way.
My nature is to seek consensus, to try to see the value in everyone, even those who have obviously rejected that part of themselves more markedly than others.
When I say see the value in everyone, I don't always mean their behaviors or ideas, but the tiny spark of light that in everyone's center. My regular disclaimer: feel free to substitute your word for God, Universe, Source, Creator, Self, etc. I am going to call it God here because it is my blog. I believe that God is love energy that connects everyone. When I see someone doing something I don't like, (like divorcing me,) or doing something I abhor, (like the tiki torch bearers in Charlottesville,) I feel outrage, anger and disgust. But that isn't who I am. I feel angry, but I am love.
Don't get me wrong. We need to hold people who have gone so far from their essence accountable. Definitely not, "Oh, hateful person, I love you anyway." For me, it is simply, "Hey, person- I don't understand you. Here is what love looks like." When someone does something that makes me angry, fearful or disappointed, whatever- I'm having a feeling that isn't who I am. When I come back to center, I can see that the feeling is at the outer layers, but my roots go down to the foundation of love. That is the place from which I try to act.
From the standpoint of healing after divorce- you may want to look at revisiting who you are as a first step. You have that same divine spark and connection to source. Embrace it. Embrace yourself and see that light in others, even the ones that don't seem to have any. Even your ex. "Ugh," you say. "He/she was such a jerk, blah." Well, that is a feeling you can choose to have. If you stay there the anger and hurt might turn to bitterness. That isn't a great thing with which to move forward into your new life.
When I was going through the divorce I spent a lot of time in the outer layers, reacting from pure, raw emotion. I was tired, sleep deprived and just wanted my life back more than anything. The constant attorney calls and visits, my job and sheer grief and fear kept me in fight or flight mode. I came out of my love core and lived at my edges. You might say my love essence was eclipsed by pain and hurt. I spent a brief time in total darkness. You could say that, but that would be totally corny.
In uncertain times, we all may be living at our edges. Here is a principle I once learned: imagination + vividness = reality. Our thoughts are energy and basically, the more energy (vividness) that I put behind a thought (imagination) the more likely I am to see that thing come about. I can either mold reality by the negativity/fear in my thoughts/words or point them in the direction of love.
There seems to be a lot of energy that goes to pointing out the faults of the "other side." If you didn't agree to your divorce, chances are you spent a lot of time trying to talk your spouse out of it. Pleading or arguing usually doesn't change people's minds, nor does pointing out all the ways their position is wrong. There is a meme that goes something like, "Your Facebook status made me change my political beliefs, said nobody ever."
You may not change someone's mind, but your thoughts and words are powerful.
Please be conscious of the languaging you are using when bringing to light your point. Name what you want, not what you don't. There is a very well intentioned profile picture frame going around Facebook right now- "... I will not let hate win." I'm not a fan of that wording. Name the love you want as being present. Keep your affirmations positively phrased and in the present moment- use your words to speak life constructively. Love wins now, it just wins.
It just does.