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54,000 Miles

54,660 to be exact

Today is an anniversary of sorts. X had begun his yearly pilgrimage to a divorce attorney about 3 months prior, and this time it was serious. So serious in fact, that I had to go meet with an attorney of my own to get a handle on what was coming.

There is a whole story around these three months in 2013 that is too long to tell here in a blog post. Wait for the movie. But here is a sneak peek at how it ends. (Well, that time.)

After some pleading on my part, we went to an intensive two day marriage counseling session with a therapist out of state. I’d thought there was a glimmer of hope, but on the afternoon of day two, X said the divorce was still on. The counselor was disappointed, and I was beside myself. It was a very tough four hours in the truck for me on the way back to Santa Fe. I’m sure it was for X too.

The next two weeks were rather uneventful, X still lived at home, and everything continued fairly business as usual. Except that I had another appointment coming up with my attorney. Since I had pretty much just sobbed during the entire first meeting with him, I still had a lot of information to learn.

Then, one day (6/20/13) out of the blue, X called. They had the car I liked at the local Nissan dealership, and could I come down and meet him?

Uh, what? If anyone doubts that miracles can happen when you least expect them, they are partly right. You have to expect them. You have to really believe it. I did, but even my pretty high faith level did not prepare me for what was about to happen.

Once at the Nissan place, I was shown to a brand new, 2013 Nissan Murano SV with all the bells and whistles I’d hoped for. I searched X’s face for a clue- what was happening? He maintained his distance from me and sat in the back as we got in the car for my test drive, saying, “You’ll be the one driving it.”

I still was in shock as I test drove around the city and down Rabbit Road. Was this a lovely parting gift? Was it a gift at all? What was going on? Upon arrival back to the dealership, X signed the papers and went back to work, leaving me to drive “Murray” home. I was so shocked that I blurted my story to the salesman and the general manager in hopes they had some insight. (This is funny to look back on now, as the general manager turned out to be friends with my fiancé and I’m sure she thinks I am a complete nut.)

The drive home was the weirdest 20 minutes of my life. Would his bags be packed? Would he even be there? Was he buying this car so I would have happy trails driving to the divorce court and not feel so badly?

When I got home, he said he was sorry and that he had changed his mind about divorce.

We were really happy for about 10,000 miles.

As you already know, there was no warranty.

The real sad part of this story isn't the divorce, it is that without realizing it, I spent a couple of years kind of looking back on today as being the anniversary of my last miracle. The last time I really got what I prayed for. When it first happened, every time I drove my car it was like I was driving something amazing. Then afterwards, sometimes I would think, "Look- 22,486 miles since the last time something really good happened..." or 31,820, or whatever.

Of course, that is so not true. But I really lost my faith for a while there. Why would my prayers be answered for years and then suddenly all I got from heaven was a big fat NO for the exact same request?

I had gotten some pretty miraculous intervention many times for my marriage so it was easy for me to believe that with faith and patience, anything was possible. After it wasn't possible anymore (or so it seemed) I was really shaken. I had identified myself as a person who routinely believed for, and got, the impossible. Now that was stripped away and I was left a doubter. I couldn't even manifest some extra ketchup packets at Sonic. My faith in God had been the most important thing to me and now it was gone.

What a classic old story. Person prays, they don't get what they want, they blame God and then they reject Him. (Or whatever you want to call God.) It is true that the identity you lose in divorce isn't just you as part of a couple, it can also be the core of who you are.

In my head, I knew that prayers aren't always answered in the way I think they "should" be. And finally, in my heart I am so thankful for that! We don't always see the big picture, or the timing, or the possibilities that exist outside our limited vision.

I initially felt so let down, now over the past couple years I've seen that I am anything but. My new life has challenges, but also too many blessings to count.

If you are praying and don't see a situation changing, don't give up. But also, don't be set on only one possible outcome. Sometimes the best prayer is just to trust that whatever happens will be for the best.

Now, do you know anyone who needs a 2013 Nissan Murano with 54,660 miles on it? I really think I need a new car.