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Hitting the Floor

Looking back at the six month period after X said he wanted a divorce for the final time is like a journey through some kind of psychology glossary. There were so many emotions that came and went in big rolling waves. One thing that came to mind last week was that I spent a lot of time on the floor in those days. In my mind's eye, I had a vivid recall of the rumpled side of the bed and the view far up to the ceiling. I relived the exhausted devastation and felt my vertebrae pressed into the wall. Just like old times. Prior to all this, we had just moved into a rented house and were about to build a home. The rental home that became our last address together was really wonderful. It was very

If Friends Were Flowers, Don't Worry, I Wouldn't Pick You

I have to admit, I think "If friends were flowers I'd pick you" is a completely ridiculous saying. It's sort of like your friend is happily blooming somewhere and you are threatening to come around with the Felcos and stick her in a vase where she will quickly die. A friend suggested to me that I should write about planting flowers. There are a staggering number of tie ins I could make between gardening and divorce, and I hardly know where to begin. Since we all start and end with love, I'll go there. Great, that makes three totally narrowed down topics, ha ha. We are made of love, we come from love, we will return to love. Love is God, the universe, the essence of everything and we are all

Downsizing Is Not a Death Sentence

Before my divorce, I lived in big houses and had lots of stuff. Now I live in a little house with about half the stuff I had before, which is still a lot of stuff for my little house. I love my little house and I love my stuff. I'm not a hoarder, but there are items that mean a lot to me and I want to keep them. When we moved to New Mexico in 2003, we built a house to live in temporarily, with the intention of selling it in a couple years and building our "dream house." It didn't really feel like a permanent space for us, although we ended up living there for ten years. In the last few years there, because of the on again- off again theme to the marriage, that unanchored feeling was even m

Victorian Mores For the Modern Age

Today around noon, I remembered that this is the day my divorce was finalized by the judge. Two years ago, a simple signature ended 26 years of marriage. My marriage. It was something I really cared about. Last year at this time, I may have been a little wistful, I really don't remember. Today, when I recalled the date, I sat in stillness for a second, waiting to feel something. My co-worker walked up and I said, "Today is the anniversary of the divorce." She stopped and we were quiet for a second. She looked at me, searching my face for a clue. Finally I said, "I don't feel anything." She nodded approvingly and walked away. Waves of guilt washed over me. How could I not feel anything? I tr

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